Tracklocross and ADHD

You may have noticed two things if you have followed this blog for a while. One is that I blog in bursts: a week, two weeks, a month of posts, and silence. The other is I talk about mental health. They are both linked, and I want to explore these ideas more. Today, I’m going to talk about ADHD and how being misdiagnosed and then getting a later-in-life diagnosis has affected me. Then I’m going to talk about why tracklocross is my saviour.

I have often talked about tracklocross being great for my mental health, and it is, but I have recently started to realise I have made some assumptions about my mental health and reasons for loving tracklocross. At the start of this year, I met a new GP, and they decided that my old diagnosis was wrong, and that has set me down the path to a correct diagnosis.

It looks like I now have ADHD, and thanks to the perilous state of the NHS, I have had to go private to get the help I need in a time frame that isn’t measured in years. Now, I could be bitter about my life and how if I’d had help earlier in my life, the issues and mistakes that have happened in my life wouldn’t have happened, but ultimately, that will steal further time from life, so I won’t.

The ADHD realisations

ADHD can come with a few issues for your motor skills. Many of us as children are labelled clumsy, and we have problems with handwriting. Poor handwriting and the idea of it has opened up a whole pile of issues for me. I still feel the pain of primary school, essentially being abused and manipulated because my handwriting wasn’t good enough, and never understanding why I wasn’t as good as everyone else. I still feel the pain caused by the plastic things they put on pencils to make me hold pens correctly.

Going on from pencils, I remember having my manners questioned as I couldn’t hold a fork and knife correctly. I didn’t walk correctly. I swayed my body. Everything I did as a child to exist was wrong. I even dared to have asthma, and my primary school was so risk-averse I couldn’t take part in physical education. A tool that would have helped during my formative years to help my motor skills development.

Inclusivity didn’t exist in the 80’s.

Now, all of this may seem like I’m holding a chip on my shoulder, but I’m letting it all out and coming to terms with who I am as an adult. The constant belittling in childhood has really fucked me up if I am being honest. It has led to many bad choices and decisions, a lack of impulse control, and basically a constant feeling of being lost at sea.

Finding myself

When my GP suggested ADHD, I had all those negative ways it is portrayed in the media stuck in my mind. I wasn’t sure how to think, but then I disappeared down an Instagram and TikTok black hole and never felt so heard and understood.

We can discuss the merits of social media, but sharing information here is outstanding. We should applaud the creators for letting millions of people know they are not alone and that being neurodivergent is okay.

I now have psychiatry and therapy appointments, and really, for the first time in my life, they are making a difference. Possibly because, for the first time in my life, I feel that the professionals are actually listening and getting me. Previous misdiagnoses never really felt right, sometimes just making me feel worse and like an imposter.

Motor skills imbalance

How does this all fit in with tracklocross and cycling in general? Last week at therapy, my therapist mentioned being slow in body but fast in mind. At no point have I ever felt more described in life.

I’ve spent much of my life skateboarding and BMXing; I guess this is a search for dopamine. I came to these sports in my teens, and as I’ve now realised, I have missed some of the essential steps in life that I needed for my motor skills development.

It took me eight months to learn to ollie. My early attempts at BMX scared people as I was so uncoordinated. I’ve always had massive difficulty with flip tricks on a skateboard. I know what my body should be doing, but it just doesn’t happen. I have often talked about this at the skatepark, and I felt the signals were getting blocked or were stuck somewhere.

I have even said, at points, that I preferred tricks on a BMX as they don’t happen at the same speed as they do on a skateboard. Skateboarding requires many smaller movements that I don’t quite get. It’s not an excuse, just a reality of life. I have now, through reading, discovered that these motor skills issues are a part of my neurological condition. There is not much I can do here now I’m in my 40s other than accept it.

Brakeless BMX

Finding brakeless BMX, was my first godsend. There was less faff and less to think about. I could never do manuals with a brake; I still can’t. I find it hard to control my fingers at the same point as keeping my balance point. Then I discovered going fast and just hanging on, which works for me but has limits.

It takes me forever to learn a new trick, it is a whole pile of unwrapping the co-ordination skills and sometimes just hoping it works out. Spoiler: just hoping, never works out.

I’ve often wondered why I am so far into this hobby and not as good as I should be, and now I understand. This is good, and it gives me a reason not to get disheartened, which might not sound right, but understanding yourself and your difficulties allows you to come to terms with what you might perceive as shortcomings.

Tracklocross

I worked out at some point that cycling and coffee were good ways to medicate myself. I now even understand why all my attempts to limit coffee consumption led to my mental state being worse and why coffee helps to keep me calm.

During my twenties, I started to ride a road bike. Going out and getting miles in made me much calmer for the rest of the day. Even this week, when I haven’t commuted to work by bike, my mind is more chaotic. Last night, I wondered how the bike trade destroys Nietzsche’s ascetic ideals. I believe that this is not a neurotypical response to a hectic day and being ill.

While searching ADHD and cycling, I found this video. As much as I may dislike Specialized as a bike company, this is cool.

To bring us back, I started getting out and doing longer rides. I tried club rides, but they weren’t for me. I realised that I prefer my own company; I do not need a massive group of friends. I am happy in solitude. I believe this comes from having to mask to fit in with groups. My neurodivergent behaviour has made me less sure of groups of people and of being in social settings.

You put me out on a high-end road bike, though, and I will manage to overthink everything. Am I in the right gear? Should I have brought more water? Am I fast enough to justify this bike? All of this makes riding less fun. One day, I saw a Fuji Feather, and my life changed. I saw a solution.

I bought that little grey and chrome dream. The first ride out could have been better, though. I made the rookie error of going to coast around a corner and got the big reminder that your pedals always turn on a fixed gear bike. I still have the scar on my knee from the tumble.

Lesson learned.

Getting outside

I started to ride fixed more, mainly because it contained less faff than road or mountain biking. I didn’t have to find Lycra or mountain bike trousers; I could head out in a pair of Primark jorts; feel free to hate me for that. It was liberating not to have to don yet another costume to participate. All my life involved masking myself and wearing costumes to help me fit in; fixed gear didn’t.

Slowly, the fixed gear riding started to get more technical; I enjoyed riding simple offroad trails. There was no expectation or thought about what I was doing. I didn’t even know tracklocross was a thing at the time. It was just me being an idiot on a bike, which is a simple reason to enjoy life.

I didn’t worry about gears, brake setups, suspension setups, or even if I have the correct tread pattern on my tyres. Tracklocross is excellent because you don’t have these thoughts; you are just out there cycling on an inappropriate bike and doing so inappropriately.

There is something great about removing all the expectations and just being free. Now, I’m going to come back to motor skills issues. One of the things I have mentioned is that on a fixed gear bike, the pedals keep turning, which has been a saviour at times.

When you make mistakes on the trail and you are coasting, you will likely fall. When you are riding fixed gear, the pedals are still going around, and you are concentrated on that; you notice the mistake less and don’t try and counter, or I don’t anyway, which seems to keep me upright. There is also a factor that you are putting torque in, which will keep your tyres dug in and give you grip.

None of this is scientific; it is just that I crash mountain bikes more easily than I do tracklocross bikes. These crashes are all caused by overthinking and wondering if I have the correct tyre psi or if I should have added another rebound click to the shock. Simplicity and impracticality keep me safe here, which seems wrong, but if it works, it works.

The fact my pedals are constantly revolving also keeps me upright. It means I always have to use a little more speed, and more speed means more balance. It is reassuring to have my legs spinning constantly now; it just sits there as a little comfort blanket around my soul.

What am I saying?

Actually, fuck knows what I am saying. The short of it is that I found tracklocross and fixed gear an excellent way to control my mental health and to temper the feelings of being lost that neurodivergence has brought me. We should admire simplicity in a world of complexity.