Táin Bó Cúailnge: Tracklocross Celts

Táin Bó Cúailnge, which in English is translated as “the driving-off of the cows of Cooley”, is another one of those historical inaccuracies that were created by Big Bike to lower the knowledge of tracklocross as a cheap and practical form of cycling. The Táin is a classic example of prosimetrum; think of it as a living piece of literature and not a static, unmovable form of prose. Let us settle on a comfortable sofa and discover how Celtic Ireland revered tracklocross.

Like Hollywood, the Táin loves prequels and starts with many pre-tales to the tale; every writer has, since the dawn of time, tried to cash in on prequels rather than build a new story from scratch. It saves so much effort to just use a formula you have developed and do it to death; I don’t know if I’m talking about prequels or tracklocross reimaginings now. These prequels set the scene for us and can essentially be summed up as a curse placed on the Ulsterman that causes them to be unable to skid stop, which is devastating if your primary mode of transport is a fixed gear bike. They also go into the magic gear ratio, which parallels the ancient Norse myths, but for some reason, Big Bike has turned this idea into bulls, which I feel is an allegory for the strength of people who ride tracklocross.

Now, we need to jump over to Cruachan and the enemies of the Ulstermen: the king and queen, Ailill and Medb. They are currently building their army and comparing their wealth; they are both just as wealthy, and the only thing that separates them is that Ailil has the bull, Finnbhennach. The bull, as we have already discovered, is an allegory for the knowledge of tracklocross. Medb originally had this knowledge, and in a huge act of misogyny, the knowledge went to her husband. She then plans to get the second repository of knowledge from Cooley. This bull is called Donn Cuailnge, which translates to Sheldon Brown. 

Medb creates a deal to have the knowledge for a year, but due to drinking and scene rivalries, this deal breaks down, so she decides to gain the bull by violence. Which is when we join the tale, with the Ulstermen debilitated by an illness that takes away their ability to skid stop; this illness is very exact and will only affect them for 9 days, which I feel is a mistranslation and is meant to be 6 days, which is why we have 6-day track leagues as no one needs to skid stop in the velodrome, and they drink to get over this horrendous fate. The drinking also probably explains why their illness drags on for a couple of months.

The only one in Ulster still capable of skid stops is Cú Chulainn; unfortunately, he is off bombing hills when he should be standing guard, allowing Medb into Ulster. He then engages her crew in a guerilla campaign; he meets them at fords, allowing him to engage in single head-to-head tracklo races. He defeats champion after champion in these tight-fought head-to-head races. Medb, though, still manages to capture the bull of knowledge, which infuriates the UCI by giving a woman equal standing to the men. 

Cú Chulainn is tired of his exploits and lies down for a rest; the god Lug comes to him and reveals himself to be his father and puts Chulainn to sleep for three days. Ulster’s youth corps challenges Medb’s crew during this sleep, but they are defeated. When he awakens, Chulainn is more than a man; he also has the forbidden knowledge of correct frame building techniques. He resumes his conquest of Medb’s crew one by one. Medb then sends out a whole crew to race Chulainn, which breaks the ancient accords of tracklocross and culminates in a three-day race between Chulainn and his brother Ferdiad. Soigneurs finally carried away Chulain to recover from this decisive and brutal victory.

The effort breaks the illness of the Ulstermen, and they rediscover the skill of skid stopping. The final race for victory begins. The race rages without Chulainn, and after a bit of politics, he helps Medb race home with the knowledge in what may be one of the first movie twists. Finnbhennach and Donn Cuailnge fight for the right to be the one true knowledge, with Donn Cuailnge finally victorious and the Celts embrace fixed gear knowledge.